I think, re-reading that last post, that I might have an idea of what is missing at the moment.
People.
At the moment I am completely on my own in Scotland. With my marvellous Ms M on holidays with her father, I am left with no one within a 500 mile radius who knows me, regularly engages with me, or cares mildly about what I want, need, desire, plan to do.
If someone was here perhaps there would be another mind to bounce off. I could build my excitement either by seeing it mirrored in another's face, or by vehemently opposing another's doubts. I would have some genuine measuring stick of what this might mean.
Instead I am completely on my own in this right now. Which is perhaps the reason that I chose London for my first big trip, rather than a more scenic Scottish route - I know people in London, people who know me. People who might have a genuine interest not in the nature of the trip, but in what this trip is for me.
So now I find myself questioning this need for a mirror. Can I actually do something like this on my own, or do I need that measuring stick of others, that nod of approval (or even frown of disapproval) from those around me? Do I need this trip to mean something to the people in my life, or will I be able to find meaning for myself within myself completely independently of anyone else?
Where has all my confidence gone?
I need to go searching for it, because rumours abound that there is a great reward for the one that finds it.
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2 comments:
Jesus Hamish, man up and get riding! It's not like you're doing a six month trip around Australia or anything intimidating like that! : p
Have you ridden it yet, or is it not even roadworthy?
I'm excited to hear you've managed to get a bike, that's hot news. And if you need a voice to tell you how your plans are the best ever I'm it. If I wasn't just starting a round-trip I'd be jealous.
I think the performance anxiety is natural. I felt... not exactly the same - nowhere near the same magnitude I don't think - but the same worry and concern about this trip. Same about leaving at the start of the year - hence, I think, why I took so long to get ready to leave on each occasion.
But fuck of whether or not it's a good idea (though it is), do it anyway. Be a Nike man! Make what you can of it, because you're going even if it's the worst idea ever.
I'll look forward to your tales of the road.
Hahaha thanks for the advice.
I have ridden the thing, although no more than 10 miles. It is roadworthy, just.
And I do need to just do it. I think the problem is that its been so long since I just did something like this that I've forgotten how.
Hopefully its just like riding a bike...
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